Clearly

Seeing the blank person I became made me throw myself into damage control. This medication had taken all threads of life enjoyment from me. The mood swings – I could go from zero to sixty in seconds, at those times I did not know what to do with myself. To me, then, the cause was the situation, yet how I reacted to those situations is key to understanding just how changed I was. My non-drama attitude was replaced with defensiveness. I asked, and the guy I then dated described how intolerant and non-feeling I had become towards life and all the people and things I used to enjoy.

This awakening was bittersweet as I realized how damaged my relationships were. My close friends and family walked on eggshells around me; the chemo mutation made me do a 180 as it replaced halcyon with chagrin.

Despite this fresh knowing, the whirlwind of newfound cheerfulness abated once I resumed the 6mp. While happiness again transformed into a figment of my imagination, I did experience cool evenings and occasional farts of tranquility. Under approval from GI#6, I halved my dose in hopes it would keep me at a more constant and medial level, which it did, but I still had mood swings and the world wasn’t as colorful anymore.

Immediately, I poured out my heart and all which had transpired over those 3 days into an email to GI#6, she had met the guy I dated, therefore had a reference to all I exposed. Her response? A heartfelt, two worded “oh, wow,” all in lower caps; I felt overwhelmingly acknowledged and completely swaddled in advocacy from this once trusted source; I slept better that night knowing she had my back.

I continued to take the 6mp because GI#6 vehemently advised I needed it for fistulae healing and Crohn’s, Ulcerative Colitis symptoms control. Again, I fully realized the importance of being your own advocate, listening to your own body and loving yourself enough to just say no. I fired GI#6 and discontinued the drug after developing the last 2 fistulae, within 2 months of each other, despite having taken 6mp for almost 2 years, overlapped with biologics for over 2 years. You know what? I could see clearly now the rain was gone.

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