Awakening Part 2

Day 3 of that momentous 2016 respite from chemo was even better; I woke with a positive feeling and actually wanted to get up, both out of character for who I was! I felt happiness deep within, I experienced joy, I laughed at something silly and relished the faint redolence of life slowly ebbing into my stiff senses.

I asked for hugs and actually felt them, allowing myself to be absorbed into someone else’s personal space. I was feeling joyous emotions, something besides peering through a starched gray veil, completely unable to enjoy life. I was awakening. Krista was returning.

I tried my best to express myself and relate to this new found kaleidoscope of sights, sounds, smells, tastes, daily life and discovered that my daily life could be a good thing after all. I smiled, I danced, I sang, I hugged my people, I hugged pooch. This epiphany of ethereal surrealism reminded me of a faint memory of who I once was.

The person I remembered was, in some ways, eternally different. The person I recalled was the one who bought a one way, transcontinental ticket, on a mission to find myself and forge a mental alliance with my ancestral homelands. That person was me, before arthritis, before Crohn’s Disease, before Colitis, before MAP (mycobacterium avium subsp. paratuberculosis) exposure.

Is some strange way, I viewed the person I was as a character out of a novel, wholly created in my imagination. She seemed so foreign, so far away; the person I was before diagnosis did not faintly resemble the changed, sick person I became. I wonder if we are at our strongest just before we become our weakest, possibly as a point of reference to our God given strength and perseverance. To think that I could ever return to being that person was unfathomable, yet those memories served as a reminder of things I accomplished, people I met, experiences I had, which I never would have dreamed.

I crossed paths with seemingly unreachable people, shared memories with others who have since passed and now enjoy lifelong friendships with loved ones I met on my sabbatical. We are quick to determine that the life we presently live is our eternity, however nothing could be farther from the truth. We just don’t exist only to pass into nothingness; we have a purpose, we have God given talents and while finding those sometimes seems like an eternity, if we make the effort, it pays off by way of fulfillment.

Realizing how depressed and checked out I had been to my loved ones and myself, I cried. A deep soulful, realization of tears, as all the amassed, captured gray of time and the emotionless, colorless shell I had become, washed away, down the vast drain of history; all of this chaos and complete lack of enjoyment for anything, from one small, needless drug. While I will never be able to gain back the time and moments lost, I can look forward to the times ahead.

2 comments

Yes, we have purpose here on this earth given by our HEAVENLY FATHER. JOY COMES IN THE MORNING. We must live each day God has given to us. PRESS ON!

Ray, your replies are always encouraging and inspiring!

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